Everyday I try to keep from breaking it all down in pieces. My life is a topsy-turvy mess, and I'm in the middle, and its all coming down. Everyday I'm afraid about my Mom. Afraid of the "C" word. Afraid it'll come back and take her from me. I'm not sure what I'd do without her. I'm really sure that if it does, I'm going to shut down. My relationship never seems steady. I'm in love, I'm hurt, back and forth. School is going decently. My friends are there for me. They love me. I love them. Sometimes, no matter how much of a connection you have with some people... They just don't understand or get it, no matter how much they'd like to be able to. I never feel like my life is truly steady for more than a week. I've been a "you can only rely on yourself" person for a very long time, but sometimes it's just so tempting to want to rely on others for kind words or understanding. It's only after you've been hurt and hurt again that you realize your first disposition was right. You can't rely on people to help you, or give a rat's ass. I realize I'm not the only one who's been through hardships. I've had some shit happen in my life, but who hasn't? Everyone has had something difficult happen, or they will at some point. I'm just so afraid that her cancer is going to come back. That burning evil inside of her will come and take her away from me. More than anything I want to rely on him. I want someone strong there. Someone to feed me lies and tell me that it'll all be okay. To tell me good things, positive things, make me not feel like the earth under my feet has turned to shit. Everything I touch turns to shit. Maybe its just a bad day. But these feelings I'm now spitting into the world have been harbored for a long time. Sometimes they just surface at ugly times. | 
